Untitled.

July 8, 2014 § 9 Comments

I have been thinking about writing this post for the past 38 weeks and 2 days. I had a long list of all the wonderful things I wanted to share about finally being a mother; a dream I’ve been dreaming since before I can remember. I wanted to tell the world how awing and humbling it was to have something so perfect and beautiful and good, come from someone so imperfect and undeserving. I wanted to say that I finally understood what scripture spoke of when it talks about Mary treasuring the first sweet moments with her son and pondering them in her heart.

And I can.

But, I can also tell you that I understand the burning rage of Pharaoh, the unspeakable grief of Job, and the maddening sorrow that drove the woman in Solomon’s court to steal a living child.

My beautiful son, Lincoln Allen Hartley, was stillborn on June 5th. And now I know that silence is the loudest thing I have ever heard. Waiting, aching and longing for a cry that never comes, a heart that doesn’t beat – those are the “sounds” that haunt me.

There are no words to describe the feeling of knowing that something has died inside of you. Something that you nurtured and loved so fiercely from the first moment you knew it was to be. Something that you had dreams, hopes, and so many plans for. Something that you wanted and treasured over all things. When you love someone with the entirety of your being, losing them feels like you have lost yourself.

The emptiness is unlike anything I have ever known. Most days I want to crawl outside of myself, just to feel a moment of respite from the sadness, the longing, the pain. The anxiety and stress of simply being has never been more overwhelming. I can’t rest. I can’t relax. I have to stay busy or else I am overtaken. But every moment can’t be filled, and every morning my barely conscious mind betrays me and I find myself reaching for a baby belly that is no longer there, and it all comes flooding back. Once again I am lost in the aching and pining for the child I will never know, the voice I will never hear saying “I love you mommy.”

The 34 weeks, 3 days and 12 hours I had with my sweet son were the most beautiful, fulfilling and wonderful days of my life. In that time, I learned how to love with a capacity that I didn’t know I was capable of. In the space of a moment I learned what selfless, self sacrificing love was all about. And in the end, I learned that sometimes, God says no.

One day, I know I will be able to talk about how God has perfect plans, and how He has loved me, my husband and our family through this time of sorrow. But right now, I’m still trying to wrap my heart and mind around the fact that the arms I would normally run to for comfort, are full of my baby boy.

So here I am. Broken. Trying desperately to sort through the pieces of my shattered life and find a new strength and a new beginning.

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§ 9 Responses to Untitled.

  • Benjamin Fruth says:

    What a shame that we live in a world where satan exists, but worry not for there is reason to rejoice as your son will never experience anything satan has to offer! No sickness, no disease, no bullying, no divorce, no war, no theft, no death, no destruction, no pain, no sin. The mental pain and anguish you have felt? He won’t even know that feeling exists! Right now, your child is in heaven with God being raised by angels. You cry for him, but he’s got it better! We wail and weep over our dead, yet we are the ones still living in this fallen world. Just remember that God doesn’t kill babies. Every person conceived is given 70 years of life and if they don’t make it that far, satan snuffed their life out one way or another. I’m not sure what area he entered in to your lives to take your child, but Jesus has given us ALL of the power to combat the devil. Pray in tongues, ask the Lord for wisdom, and ask not “why God?,” but “how God?” 1Peter 5:8 – John 10:10 – Psalm 90:10 – James 1:5

    I IMPLORE you to watch this: http://www.awmi.net/extra/healing/esau
    It’s a story like your own and I pray it will strike a chord with you and the Lord will open your eyes to what has happened. This pregnancy may not have come to pass, but there is nothing to be ashamed or depressed about as God still loves you, and Jesus has died to give you His strength.

  • annestauffer1018 says:

    My sweet, sweet baby girl… you have such a beautiful gift in sharing your heart. I pray that through this journey God will continue to give you the words to share and that He would bring comfort to your beautiful heart! Though our hearts do not understand, we know that God does and His love for you is so high, so deep, so very wide… one day we will understand, but for now we trust Him to bind up our broken hearts and look forward to the day we once again see our sweet, sweet Lincoln!

  • May God bless you and give you peace. You have given the world a great gift by sharing these thoughts. Those of us who read it and take it to heart will be better friends, more compassionate, more understanding. Thank you. I am so sorry for your pain and loss.

  • jimjanean says:

    Thank you for your transparency and for not being afraid to share the raw emotions you are feeling. I am not going to offer one of the phrases you have likely already heard, such as “God will see you through this,” or “Let God comfort you,” or any one of a hundred comforting and well-meaning responses we tend to give as Christians. And there is nothing wrong with those comments, because most of them are true. However, the only thing I am going to say is “I am praying for you”… sincerely praying for you… because that is what gets all of us through the times of tragedy and heartbreak- being carried by the prayers of others when we are too broken to pray ourselves. So, please know that my prayers are going up for you.

    – Janean

  • jmd12340 says:

    Sorry for Your Loss. All I can do is pray, and that I will

  • Stacey says:

    Your words speak directly to my soul. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart. ❤

  • Sending you healing thoughts. {{hugs}}

  • The Ink Pot says:

    I am sorry for your loss. May God give strength to you and your family. Writing about my losses has always given me peace. I hope that it does the same for you.

  • Stacey says:

    These words speak directly to my heart…all of it so true and completely devastating. Thank you for writing something so eloquent and real! ❤

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